How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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