so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
