Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
