Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
