im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
