I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
where am i from again
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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