It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
