The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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