Your face is a jimmy john
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
