he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
