you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
