i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
