i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
