He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
