Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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