Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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