I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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