Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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