I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
it was like eating out sand paper
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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