I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
