you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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