Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
