You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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