I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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