i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
