Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
