we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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