You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
