shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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