He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
