Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
