hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
