The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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