I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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