Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize