so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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