I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
