But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
