So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
