I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
