I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
