ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
