So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
