Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
