forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
