I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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