Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
