Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
