At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
