I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he shaved USA in his pubs
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
