Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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