This is not my ceiling
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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