She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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