hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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