my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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