god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize