while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
