Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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