If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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