My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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