Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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