Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize