I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
