don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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