I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize