where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
