Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
