I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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